May 2005 Box Office Predictions

House of Wax

Are American teenagers dumb enough to be lured into yet another horror-remake in which nearly everyone except the sweating, though still sizzling hot, heroine and quite possibly her boy-toy hottie are expected to be killed by the midway portion of the picture? Toss in Paris Hilton and that’s a done deal (but, honestly, those horny bastards that will undoubtedly be in the audience, you would be better off saving yourself the money and downloading a certain video off the internet then to sit through this trash-heap just to see Hilton in her underwear) Though I predict this will not be a tremendous success for the studio, the fact that it will end up making money in spite of its blaring shittyness will be a victory in itself for Warner Brothers.

Opening Weekend - $12.1 million, Domestic Gross - $45 million

Kingdom of Heaven

Watching the commercials for this film you would think you were looking at a sequel to Gladiator. Judging by the early reviews of the film from a majority of the critics who have taken in preview screenings of the Ridley Scott picture seem to agree with that early assessment. Being the first major blockbuster of the summer season, not to mention teen-hunk Orlando Bloom’s first leading role, this will have a decent box office return in its opening weekend but don’t expect it to approach anywhere near the level of popularity or acclaim that Gladiator had going for it four years ago. Hell, I would not be surprised if this is forgotten entirely by year’s end.

Opening Weekend - $51 million, Domestic Gross - $165 million



Monster-in-Law

If there is anything in this world that I despise (not hate, but absolutely despise) more then Jennifer Lopez (also referred to as J. Lo, Jenny from the Block, the successful side of Bennifer), it would have to be Jane Fonda, a treacherous snake who should have tried and hung for treason the minute she stepped foot back into this country following her stunt in Hanoi. As for the film itself, I could not care less and I believe a majority of the public will agree. I may be heavily overestimating this film’s potential prospects but I expect the normal opening weekend for a romantic comedy with the typical Jenny-curse fallout to follow.

Opening Weekend - $15 million, Domestic Gross - $65 million

Unleashed

Your guess is as good or as bad as mine on this one. I am going on a limb on this one and predicting the average Jet Li opening weekend gross and a not too-bad fifty-five million final domestic gross to this unfamiliar, and apparently not too well advertised, project.

Opening Weekend - $18 million, Domestic Gross - $55 million

Kicking & Screaming

Could this turnout to be a repeat of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy? Could half of the film’s audience in its opening weekend already know by heart the majority of its key gag lines, thus making the film experience all the less enjoyable? Could Wisconsin residents be turned off by the presence of Mike Ditka? We will just have to wait and find out for ourselves but as long as Will Ferrell has not lost a bit of his high-intense comedic energy with his frantic filming schedule lately, I think we should be fine. Not wanting to chance it, I will suggest that Kicking & Screaming pulls in a little more then Anchorman, both in terms of its opening weekend and final domestic gross but not by much.

Opening Weekend - $32 million, Domestic Gross - $95 million

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

The early news that Revenge of the Sith will receive the coveted PG-13 rating fanatics the world over had been praying on their knees for years already gives it a tremendous advantage over the previous two prequels in terms of public reception. If the final film in the Star Wars film saga (the franchise will continue beyond Revenge of the Sith, albeit in television form and never again on film) is as half as graphic as those whiny soccer moms claim it is then we can easily forgive Lucas and pretend The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones never happened … True, some already do that but this way we will no longer have to pissed off at George Lucas.

Opening Weekend - $95 million, Domestic Gross - $370 million



The Longest Yard

Seriously, is this the summer of feature films that look as though they could easily be passed off as sequels to recent films? Does The Longest Yard not come as The Waterboy II? Alright, it is an Adam Sandler film after all, so you just need to remember to leave your brain at the door and you will be fine. All and all, this does not look too bad on paper but appearances can be quite deceiving and I find Chris Rock irritatingly annoying, more so since the Oscar debacle this past March, so this one could honestly go either way for me. Expect a large turnout opening weekend and then the all too common post-fan rush freefall of fifty to sixty percent the following weekend.

Opening Weekend - $51 million, Domestic Gross - $150 million

Madagascar

Man, if you truly have a problem listening to Chris Rock this weekend then you are quite honestly out of luck, now aren’t you? I have no reservations that this film will be a hit with the family demographic who will by this time be clamoring for a child-friendly picture now that the Star Wars film has been slapped with the PG-13 rating … yeah, I know but those soccer mothers make a big deal out of it, so let us just assume that is the case. There is just something about this film that rubs me the wrong way, beside the increasingly annoying Chris Rock of course. Perhaps it’s the film’s “stylistic” animation design or maybe it’s its storyline which sound eerily familiar to the now deceased Disney computer animation project that I can not recall what it was called now. Does not matter all that much since the children will eat it up no matter how badly it stinks.

Opening Weekend - $45 million, Domestic Gross - $145 million